I'd Like To Thank The Academy…

Dear friends and the rest of you,

I stand here before you, never believing that I would ever clutch one of these things outside the environs of Ernie's Pawnshop down on Vine, but here I am.

I love awards - especially when I'm getting them, but I used to hate awards ceremonies, with a passion. Sitting at home in Middle America, USA, I would watch them and seethe. Not because of the usual reasons - not because these are grand mal moments of smugness and self-congratulation. I won't begrudge what is a damn hardworking industry the occasional spasm of harmless glitter and indulgence.

No, what made me angry was that I was jealous, absolutely jealous, of every single person I'd see on camera. Even the seat-fillers who only exist to keep the illusion of a jam-packed theater while you all run out to get another drink during the evening's tribute to whoever croaked in the past twelve months - hey, Joe, you got Spielberg's chair, alright! Leave a thumbtack there for me, willya?

Where was I? Oh yeah, jealousy. So I would sit at home, jealous of every single one of you overdressed fuckers and think "Why can't that be me?" and one night, just after Jim Carrey had gotten done whining about being dissed - this was before he swept, of course, it occurred to me that I wasn't up there because I was too busy being jealous to get to work and earn what I wanted.

Silly me, I'd forgotten that this is a reward for real work - work performed not just by the weirdly dressed dweeb standing in front of the microphone, sure - I got the jeans at Banana Republic, made the corset myself and stole the riding boots from Fox, thanks for asking - but it's still mostly my work, which is why it's my name on this thing.

Anyways, to all you embittered people out there, watching this and wondering what my fucking point is: You want a moment of glitz and glamour and the chance to swear in front of four billion people, get off your ass and work for it like I did.

And thanks to my dad for paying for film school. This statue is going to look great on your mantelpiece, Pop.


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