January 22nd

To my non-surprise, the friend alluded to in the entry of 1/15 (offline until further notice) pinged me out of paranoia, but cited no real reason for the pinging other than "Just in case I pissed you off". Hardly a genuine case of soul-searching and remorse, was it? So, I'm going to forget about it. Clearly, the incident meant little to them. I shall do my best to ensure that it means that little to me, too.

***

If my luck abides, I shall be starting a new job in three weeks' time. It's a bit hush-hush, so I can't get into details online. The code-name is WTFOS, and it should engage me for the next year, so get used to seeing references to it. It's a work-at-home thing, with my boss 2,000 miles away and a shitload of responsibility dropped into my lap. In a nutshell, I'm going to be herding cats. More completely, I'm head writer/creative manager for an experimental film. It's experimental in terms of technique and structure, rather than content. In fact, it's so bloody experimental, the producer is in the process of patenting said technique and structure, which is why I can't talk about it very much.

I am alternatively thrilled and terrified by this prospect. The pros are obvious and varied: This is a professional writing gig - succeed or fail, it will look good on my portfolio. It's a test (and hopefully a vindication) of my management skills. If the film succeeds, it's going to really succeed - like leverage-a-writing-career-off-this succeeds. And it sounds like a lot of fun, too.

Cons: My self esteem is shot following fourteen months of spotty employment. Right now, if asked to boil an egg, I get anxious and wonder if I can do it. I have three weeks to do my research for this job (there'll be a lot of it) and beat fourteen months of despair back with a sizable stick. In fact, every con I can think of (The concept might crash and burn horribly, I might suck at doing this) can all be attributed back to my self-esteem and lack thereof. Dammit.

My ability to self-destruct fucked me over back in October, I don't want to let it happen again.

Although, in hindsight, my self-destruction in that incident was a good thing, as I have heard from a source that the person currently in the job I would have occupied is absolutely miserable, like has been caught crying in the women's room because of the stress miserable. Ugh.

Back to the self-esteem for a minute - it's my journal and I can introspect all I like. It's too late for you to be surprised by it, now...

Now that I seem to have some definite light at the end of the tunnel, I believe I am regaining some equilibrium. I have been in a shitty state of mind for a long time - careening sharply downwards after WTM laid me off. And the worst thing about nose-dives is that they are difficult to pull out of - unless one is willing to tear one's wings off in the attempt. Believe me, I have been very aware of my piss poor state of mind. I know why I couldn't finish most projects I started, and couldn't even get started most days. I was depressed. Not chemically imbalanced, therapy is needed depressed but beaten down by circumstance and way too used to it for my own good depressed. There is a difference between the two states, and I'm sure that there are some complex medical terms to describe it but let's just keep things simple.

And being depressed sucks. It always does. That's why depression remains unpopular outside of the well-looked-after-teenager demographic. But getting out of it is almost impossible - even when one is aware of the situation. To pull oneself up by one's own bootstraps sounds very poetic, but is realistically impractical and rather inefficient. I haven't gotten myself out of this funk. A visionary film-producer is getting me out of this funk - halfway, I suppose. The rest is up to me. With circumstance providing the hand up, I think I can scrabble the rest of the way myself. I hope.  

If this situation implodes... put me on suicide watch. Of course by the time you read this, it would be too late.

Bah, I'm tired, hungry and Angel is about to come on. Enough of this...

 

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