Gaming Musings
          I bailed on Alex's game on Friday night. Alex does run a fun little game, really he does, but I just don't feel like gaming that much any more. It's a great way to see friends and pass some time, but I always seem to put myself into quandaries. In anything Alex runs, I try extra-hard to not hog his time, so as to avoid the "Game Master's S.O. gets all the goodies" syndrome. Unfortunately, I think maybe I'm overcompensating, as I've been rather bored in his game, lately... Meanwhile, in games like Port Townsend, I've got a character that could stomp all over the others PCs (well, not too easily, but being it's still a risk) so I'm trying to keep my head down, there, too. For whatever reason, I'm still finding PT fairly amusing, so I guess I'll stick with it for now. As for Alex's game... I dunno...
          However, if I do quit permanently, I'll tell him - instead of just quietly joining another game and fobbing him off with excuses like some players have. Grr... Actually, Alex is pretty phlegmatic about that situation, so I'm not allowed to get cheesed off on his behalf, darnit.

          The Irony Fairy being what she is, I am now wrestling with another Cthulhu Live idea that came to me over a very large mocha and slab of pound cake (cholesterol be damned!) over at the Crocker Galleria Friday morning. It was inspired by a thread on the ever-useful Cthulhu Live mailing list, which was kicking around the idea for a psychological-thriller type Delta Green game, inspired by the CIA's not-so-covert testing of psychoactive drugs on unwitting human subjects. The listees were talking about the fun potential to be had when you can lock your players up in a cell (and find me a GM who hasn't wished to do that at least once), control their environment almost totally, feed the characters hallucinogens and generally mess with their heads...
          Some GMs just talk about fucking with their players. Cthulhu Live GMs actually do it. See why I love 'em so?
          So the idea that came to me was also built upon the 'highly controlled locale' concept, but with a much different setting: a British safehouse in 1940, shortly after the Battle of Britain. Three German spies have been arrested and identified as the team charged with executing "Project Omega". The Brits aren't sure what Omega is, but anything that has enemy agents chanting around megaliths in the middle of the night can't be good... Meanwhile, the Germans aren't talking, but they are worried...
          Both the German spies and their British interrogators are player-characters. The Brits are feeling 'up' from having successfully fought off the Luftwaffe, but the war still looks bleak for them, as they are still going it alone against the Germans. Similarly, the German forces are a bit stunned by the recent defeat, but still reasonably confident. That sets a good psychological stage for the kickoff. The GMs can remain almost totally out of the plot, aside from playing the occasional dead body - of course there's going to be dead bodies! Given how ragged Alex and I were run during SteinCorp Station I think it's essential that the GMs stay off the PC roster.
          The game would occur over 12 - 18 hours, real time, and be pretty unpleasant physically and emotionally. Fortunately, the British style of interrogation (at this time) was quite non-violent and well suited for larping - no extraction of fingernails, etc. The Brits preferred to favor the 'have them tell their story fifty times over and jump on inconsistencies' method, which can be bloody tiring even when there aren't world-threatening monsters involved. Add into that a whole heap of mediocre rations, uncomfortable quarters, midnight interruptions, mysterious omens and the occasional bleeding wall and, well, you've got a long night ahead of ya...
          The location would be the tricky thing, of course, as it would have to be somewhere with several rooms (for cells, offices, etc) and some open grounds (for when Omega comes to fruition) which are sufficiently remote that we won't frighten the neighbors if someone lets off the occasional yowl of fright. The best option I can find would be renting one of those god-awful management retreat facilities, but they're expensive! Slightly less costly would be a vacation home, but even then, the game cost would come in at around $50/person, and that's before we start spending money on props... There's a possibility that the local schoolhouse-turned-theater might be rentable for a short term, and that would be perfect. It's institutional, set on its own grounds and entirely bereft of nice furniture that would just have to be shoved aside for the game-setting.
          But, at this point, all I really care about is writing a script. Once that's done, then I will worry about whether or not it's a feasible idea. If Chuckling Cthulhu can't run it, I'm sure someone will be able to! In the meantime, if anyone cares to recommend any books about the Nazi interest in the occult with particular attention to megalithic sites and/or Ragnarok legends, please do so! ;)

***

Gaming Musings
          Ummm. Not many. Alex is fully taking over logistics, in anticipation of my walking away in disgust from the last Vampire LARP I'm a part of - not a bad idea really. I'm still doing rumors, and I throw thoughts at Alex when he's trying to decide whether or not a four-point contact in Marin can really shut down all the schools in San Francisco, etc. Although I'm sure the players wouldn't believe it, I often end up playing good cop to Alex's bad. Alex can be quite the hardass when he puts his mind to it.

          The Cthulhu Live listees have proven most helpful for the soon-to-be-re-titled "Project Omega". I have to ditch the name because it's too reminiscent of "The Omega Files" which is a particularly amusing whackadoo theory involving the Nazis and UFOs. Anyways, the listees have provided me with all sorts of URLs about Nazism and the occult, including some pretty whacked-out - and thus suitable for Cthulhu larp - stuff. What the hell, I'm on plenty of FBI watch-lists as it is. No harm in raising a few more red flags.
          My copy of The History of The British Secret Service proved unexpectedly useful, too, with an entire chapter dedicated to Hess, astrology and counter-espionage. What's really surprising is how frequently occult and astrology matters are used during spy games.
          On a whim, I've picked up a four dollar copy of Spy Catcher by Oreste Pinto. Not to be confused with the expose novel of the late 80's, Pinto's book is one part autobiography of a spy and one part summation of European wartime espionage and counter-espionage. It's not an encyclopedia or anything, but it's a good starting point for further research.

***

          Every day, when I get off the bus and walk towards my office, I get a lovely view of downtown San Francisco - when it's not obscured by fog. San Francisco's skyline isn't as impressive as some other city's, but I like it - particularly the pyramid, of course. Now I can't look at it without worrying about its future. I'm sure I'll return to my usual complacency soon enough but, for right now... I don't like the way I feel.

Gaming Musings
          I've been saying, for months now, that I'm getting a bit tired of vampire. I've also been stoutly maintaining my 'no more GMing!' stance. So how in hell did I end up on the phone with Mike and Alex last night, convincing Mike that he needs to accept Alex and I as co-GMs? WTF?
          Ironically enough, a co-GM gig at CAST is not meant to give Alex and I more influence over the game, it's to get Mike more involved. At this point, he's totally uninvolved in downtime and character backgrounds, and even a large chunk of the game plots have been inspired by people other than himself - they've been inspired by character backgrounds, or Alex and I wrote them up, etc. Mike has managed to become distanced from his own game, even whilst calling himself the GM. It's almost impossible to explain, but after a long talk with Mike about how he can be more involved, the practical upshot was that Alex (and, to a far lesser extent, me) had to be allowed a bit more power - rather than just influence.
          Mike wants to be able to step back from the game and just play from time to time. I can understand that. The GM gig can get very tiring after a while. So Alex suggested that we (sort of) round-robin the chronicle. Alex and I will handle plots for a month or two, then step back and let Mike take over for a few weeks. Whilst Mike is playing, Alex and I will refer to the "Game Bible" that Mike swears he will write for us, so we don't deviate from his vision. The rather apt metaphor that Alex came up with was that of Gene Rodenberry on ST:TNG. He wrote the show guidelines, established the vision, and then stepped back from the whole thing. From time to time, he would co-author an episode, or provide creative guidance when there was confusion, but he didn't have to be on-set all day, every day. We'll see if a similar arrangement works for CAST, I guess.
          I just want to keep helping with downtime and working on characters. That's really all I'm interested in. Tuesday night, I sat on the phone with Josiah for nearly an hour, trying to smooth out his character. I didn't get the conclusion I had hoped for, but I still enjoyed it nonetheless - and Josiah said he appreciated the feedback and he incorporated some of it. That's the sort of thing I like doing: helping a player craft their character so that not only will they have a good time, but their character stands a fair chance of integrating into the chronicle. Otherwise,  I'm a sounding board for Alex and Mike, and that's groovy, too.
          Speaking of sounding boards, it seems that I have finally diverted Ryan's constant pleas for me to start another Vampire larp and convinced him that maybe he can do it on his own. The idea he's kicking around - a Las Vegas setting, with a very open, variable kindred population - sounds pretty neat. God help me, I've already come up with a character idea... Ryan seems to enjoy BSing game/character ideas with me, and I'm happy to do that for as long as he likes - as long as he doesn't expect me to do anything beyond play, if that.

***

          There is talk of going to Faire with Jennifer tomorrow, which would be nice. The only annoying quibble is that Suzanne Vega is performing at the Warfield tomorrow night, and I was still thinking about going. Admittedly, going to concerts alone doth suck muchly, but it seems I'm the only Vega fan in the vicinity. Faire would be better, though - it would cost about the same, and put me in a much nicer environment than a smoke-filled concert hall. And it would be time with friends, rather than totally alone in a bloody great crowd. And I wanted to finish my dress for the Sunday game.
          Ah well, there will be other tours, I'm sure.

Gaming Musings
          A somewhat productive meeting with Gaiser last night. We hashed out the details for the Sunday 'war' and discussed the need for long-term story ideas. I'm a bit disenchanted with Gaiser, though. He stumbled into running this game and thus he rather lacks an overall vision for the chronicle. A lack of vision would explain his apparent detachment from the game...
          But I can't give him a vision for the chronicle, nor do I want to try to step in with my own (even if I had one). It's a shame, but a potentially good group might wither on the vine if Gaiser doesn't get a dramatic renewal of purpose by, oh, Thanksgiving....

***

          Otherwise, it was a nice weekend. Went to Faire with Jennifer on Saturday, and laughed up a lung watching the end-of-day Broon and Moony show... Juggling the camcorder (not theirs, I might add) was pretty impressive. Juggling pizza slices was just plain silly. Thank heavens they didn't mix the two...
          I also dropped perhaps a few more pennies than was wise at a lovely incense booth, but, darn, I got some nice smellies! I picked up some lovely Indian incense - which is imparting a lovely scent to the living room, even unlit - as well as some more amber resin, some nag champa power and some dragon's blood. Yes, it's really called dragon's blood. When I first encountered the stuff - a dark red resin - a few years ago, I just thought some gamer was pulling my leg when I asked him the name of it. Silly me. It smells so yummy, I can forgive it the silly name and I was glad to finally find a source of the resin, rather than the oft-unpleasant incense sticks that one usually finds. Alex picked up a bundle of sage-grass, a small brazier and some specially formulated charcoal thingies for said brazier, so he's happy, too.
          Jennifer stuck around for dinner - to avoid the traffic from two football games and a baseball game - and then we realized it just made more sense if she stayed overnight, given that she was going to come back to Concord on Sunday for the CAST game. We were all totally pooped, though, so after dinner - and a brief visit to the bookstore - we all crashed out.
          And Max even stayed quiet most of the night. We've been spacing out his feedings and today is the first day he's going to have three meals rather than four . I think I'm going to have a very cranky little kitten on my hands when I get home. But I suppose he'll forgive me when he realizes he's getting a bigger portion...

Gaming Musings
          The CAST game went well. The pre-game downtime (an assault on San Francisco) didn't take as long to run as I had feared, and the game afterwards went reasonably well. I've got to agree with Alex, though. Gaiser's a great guy, but the way he's playing the Prince, it's dragging the court energy down. When the Prince is low-key, you're going to have a low-key court, too...
          Patricia had her moments, which amused me somewhat. I wish I could have gotten a start on her long-term goals, but this wasn't the right game for that. Everyone was dealing with the aftermath of the downtime - personal goals would have just been drowned out. However, I was able to amply illustrate Patricia's callousness, which was entertaining (and gratifying). Marie, the harpy, had just been torn to shreds by an old enemy of hers (Shannon is leaving the game, and this was how she wanted to go). Her blood was still dripping down the walls when Patricia turned to Annabeth and casually asked "So, want to be the new harpy?" Oh, the shocked intakes of breath could be heard all over the room. Heh heh heh. Hello? An egomaniacal sadist really isn't going to care about, oh, anything but herself...
          With luck, once the Tundress plot is rolled up at the end of the month, I can get Patricia back on track. Alex and I have been talking - out of character - and we feel it's quite likely that his character, Christian, will be back on the throne within a few weeks and he'll reluctantly choose Patricia as his seneschal. Not because he likes her, or anything, but because his first choice of Seneschal is due to retire at some point, and Christian realizes that Patricia could probably keep most of the court 'scared straight'. Every good Prince needs a pitbull...

***

***

          Bad news: Alex did not get a job offer as 3rd Assistant Pixel Monkey at a graphics shop yesterday, as he had hoped he might. Good news: the boss of the aforementioned graphics shop has offered Alex pickup freelance work, as it occurs and believes that he will be able to offer Alex a full-time position - and he wants to - early next summer. Even better, it turns out he needs an occasional copy-editor/content generator, and Alex got him interested in me... Hmm... I guess I had better try to put some kind of portfolio together...
          To my surprise, I've got some pieces worth putting in - although I'll be jumping the gun with the BlackGate review, as it hasn't been published yet. But I can pull together my H2G2 pieces, that dream that got published in a goth 'zine, polish the research notes I'm doing for Dave's book and then dump in an excerpt from Unplugged and I guess that would be a start. Hell, that's better than nothing...
          I'm having some fun with that research for Dave, although - big surprise - it's sometimes tough to get parameters from him. I could just dump 20,000 words about Nazis and UFOs/Bavarian Illuminati/Hollow Earth on him, but that rather defies half of the point of the researcher role - that being to zoom in on the information that the writer is most likely to want to refer to in their plotting and present it in a reasonably concise manner, so he can progress quickly. I managed to get some clarification from him yesterday, and we'll see how it goes. Since Alex and I will only be going to Faire on Sunday - we couldn't find anyone interested in splitting a hotel room with us, so never-mind the idea of doing the full weekend - I'll have all of Saturday to finish up and package everything prettily. There's a strong possibility of other research gigs further down the line and, heck, it's work.
          Meanwhile, I've recommended Sarah Kindred as a freelancer. She's had her regular hours cut to the bone and she's looking for pretty much anything to help keep body and soul together. She's a good writer - several pieces published in 'zines, etc - and Dave has been hemorrhaging freelancers lately. With luck, it'll work out as mutually beneficial.

          Late breaking news! Congratulations to Mandy and Toby on the birth of their son Christopher Jolyon Tester. Isn't he gorgeous?

Gaming Musings
          There's been a thread on the 'Gaming Philosophy' list, lately, that has been interesting. Rich opened the 'What happened to the passion I used to have for gaming' can o'worms and I jumped right in. I'm glad to see I'm not the only late-twentysomething/early-thirtysomething who is surprised and a bit disheartened by their waning interest. Like Rich, I painted myself into a corner with my own idealism. Unlike him, I'm not sure if I'm going to find a way out of it any time soon... But Rich made some cogent points - the most cogent being focus on what you've got, not what you don't have - that have got me thinking. We'll see where all this thought leads, I guess.

          Had another ST meeting with Gaiser last night. The more Alex and I talk to him about his plots and his game, the more I think that Gaiser really is just GM in name only, at this point. I don't like that. I don't want to be running another game, dammit and, to be honest, I don't want Alex wading into a new game right now, either. Especially a game that neither of us originally conceived. We have our own projects to be pursuing, and I really, really don't want to playing hand-holder for half a dozen greenies for the next six months or however long it takes to turn them into decent roleplayers. Yeah, yeah, I'm a pushy and impatient bitch - it's one of the other reasons I quit GMing fer Crissakes.
          Er, where was I? Oh yeah... I like Gaiser a lot, but I wish that I could find the key for him to lead his own game. Just stepping back is not the answer. He's been left on his own before, and the game just drifted... Maybe Mike needs his own dramatic renewal of purpose...

***

          The weekend was pleasant. Pottered around with chores and the kitten on Saturday, went to Faire with Missy and Beyer on Sunday.
          Max is nearly two pounds, as near as we can figure, and very much enjoying canned food instead of formula. He still hasn't gotten the hang of drinking water from a dish, but Alex assures me that the little fuzzball will figure it out sooner or later... Max is currently in the "If I'm not playing, I'm asleep" mode of kittenhood, and it's a blast. No shoelace or toe is safe when Max is on the prowl. The little bugger can jump, too. I was sitting on the floor, reading a book whilst on 'kitten duty' in the sewing room (Max's room) on Saturday night. I sense something to my right, and I turn just in time to see an airborne Max flying towards my shoulder - ow! Those claws are sharp! - as he was going for the finger beast that was engaged in the unworthy task of putting potato chips in my face, rather than playing with him... For a moment, all I saw was a huge tabby-striped tummy filling my field of vision... Max failed to get the proper purchase on my shoulder, tumbled down (knocking over a full can of soda) did the "I meant to do that" prance and then galloped off at high speed...
          Do kittens ever calm down?

          Faire was good, although burnout was clearly making some of the performers a little whacky. But in the case of the end-of-day Broon and Moony show, I think the ten pints of Guinness given by adoring fans had more to do with it.
          Personally, I cracked up at the sight of the King of Faire - an Elvis impersonator in Faire gear. Apparently The King has been coming to Faire for years, but I had never seen him before. If only I had had my camera!

          Hm... Get a mortgage or migrate? Choices, choices. Supposedly, with the real estate market doing an impersonation of a soufflé removed too-soon from the oven and the cut in interest rates, even wastrels like myself and Alex might be able to qualify for a mortgage in a few months. Frankly, I'm doubtful, but it might be our best chance for the next few years... I'm thinking that we should wait until next spring and see if Alex gets that job offer from the graphics shop that he's hoping for. That would firmly nail Alex's feet down into a steady job, and, heck, I can always look for work in the central county area. Truth be told, I'm getting really bored of the SF commute... And if that offer doesn't come through... well, maybe we'll go back to looking up north - or way down south.
          I would like to settle down in the Bay Area, but there's so much going against it right now. Land prices are ridiculous, too many schools feel the need to spend money on metal detectors first and books second (and don't get me started on Gov. Davis' education policies), the air quality is taking an ongoing nosedive and then there's that whole earthquake thing too. Admittedly, earthquakes, for once, have been supplanted by other fears, at least for now... There's a lot of push to leave this area, but very little pulling us anywhere else. If a good solid pull came through - like an offer for a graffix job for Alex - I would be all for packing up and heading out of this area. But as it is...*sigh* one must heed to the Rule of Wing Walking - don't let go of one thing until you've got a firm hold on something else.

Sewing Musings
          I finished my gothy-coat in the funky black-on-black paisley I picked up, only to decide that I want to line it with some flannel/fleece stuff. At the moment, the coat is very stylish, but not at all warm. Upholstery fabric isn't made for warmth, y'know. So if I want to wear the damn thing before spring, I'm going to have to take some steps. It'll be a bit of a pain - especially since the pattern wasn't made with lining in mind - but it'll be worth it.
          After that, I've got to finish altering the cloister dress I made last year. I had to detach the extensively-gathered skirt from the bodice, which took forever. Now I've just got to shorten the bodice by two inches and re-attach the skirt, which will also take forever, I'm sure.
          And then I'm going to pick up a whole bunch of black fabric - gotta love that fine-pinwale corduroy - and make myself two or three pairs of my utterly comfortable and stylish Hollywood pants. I'm bored of wearing black jeans day in and day out, and my boss wants us to keep a reasonably professional look in the office. Making a few pairs of slacks seems to be a fine solution. Besides, now that I've got a stylish coat waiting in the wings, it feels like a letdown to be pairing it with jeans.
          I'll be looking to make some shirts next, I'm sure. Now that I've got this buttonhole thing figured out, the sky's the limit!

Gaming Musings
          Alex and I had a talk last night, about our involvement with CAST and my growing worry about that. I'm worried that Alex is putting so much into this game - like it as not, he's the one rewriting and researching all of the plots currently active - that it's going to take time out from Chuckling Cthulhu or from other worthy projects that Alex could be working on - like his D&D game. However, it seems Alex likes the idea of having of having many balls in the air, so he's not bothered by it.
          Meanwhile, I - who have a lot fewer demands on my gaming-noggin, am left feeling like we never have any adequate time to discuss CC. Alex assures me that we can have our two featured plots for next year picked out and polished by New Year's. If that's the case, then I'll be happier. I can't begrudge Alex his fun with the CAST bunch, but I feel like he's going to end up with a much greater obligation than he originally intended. Adopting a game is rather like adopting a kitten - you end up with a long term commitment, whether you like it or not. Me? I'm happy with the kitten. :)

          Dave's asked me to take on writing the "Nazis-go-pulp" chapter of Forbidden Kingdoms, instead of just researching it. Whilst I'm tickled by the idea of a sizable (and paying) gig, I'm a little intimidated too. Not by the game setting or anything, but by the notion of trying to make the Nazis even more pulpy than they are. I mean, how can I top the idea that Hitler wanted to contact the Secret Masters of the Hollow Earth in order to convince them to crossbreed with Germans and thus mingle the two "Master Races", without going totally overboard? The Nazis were pretty dam' whacked-out as it was.
          Dave's already nixed the swastika-emblazoned "Flying Disk" at the 1936 Olympics - supposedly the Nazis were in league with an alien race, also, which makes me wonder why they wanted to buddy up with Secret Masters so badly - and I can't even have a giant war machine! *Mutter* I ask you.... What are Pulp Nazis without a giant, clanking war machine threatening Eastern Europe? But I'm told that treads on the toes of something called Gear Krieg, so I have to abandon ideas of that bent. Ah well...

***

          And you can thank Jennifer for bugging me for new pictures.
          Meanwhile, the Fairy of Dripping Irony has been busy. Amanda and Toby finally decided upon a first name for their newborn boy. Maximillian - Max for short! I tell ya, this is kind of weird...

          So, minor epiphanies...
          Hey! Stop looking at the cute kitten pictures and focus, will ya?
          As I was saying: minor epiphanies. I'm reading The Elements of Authorship by Arthur Plotnik. This is the same chap who did his best to keep me awake through The Elements of Editing, so I was happy to pick up another one of his books at the store, the other day. Authorship is quite good. Plotnik addresses the feverish I've-gotta-write writer and the cautious newcomer about his own experience of moving from a talented amateur to a reasonably-talented professional, as well as examining the variety of authors that can be found. Plotnik has a certain wit that is appealing and reassuring, and he's managed to stir up some long-stagnant waters in my murky noggin.
          Realization The First - I'm still stuck in the first stages of learning how to write. Big, messy, self-cathartic shouts that are rarely of interest to anyone but myself.
          Realization The Second - I'm still learning my own 'voice'. It's been evolving over the past years, but it is still too-easily influenced - which means my own style just isn't set yet.
          Realization The Third - If I want to earn any income at writing, my best bet probably lies in become a hack for non-fiction pieces - at least for the meantime.
          Let me expound upon that Third Realization for a moment. Because of Realizations One and Two, I've further realized that I'm still stuck in my derivative rut. A primary reason for that rut, I think, is because I generally write to please myself. I write because I have a cute little idea involving one of my darling RPG characters - that's been 90% of my output for the past, oh, ten years - not including academic writing. Ten years of solid writing based heavily in someone else's paradigm is going to give one bad habits.
          I had already identified some of those bad  habits - making assumptions of the reader, taking shortcuts with the setting - earlier this year, and I had tried to tackle those within the pieces I wrote thereafter. For example, I've done my best to ensure that each chapter of Dead Time was reasonably self-contained - and even then, I still cheated a bit. Unsurprisingly, writing suddenly got more difficult - not by much, but it was no longer the brainless doddle that it had been. I consider this a Good Thing.
          There are a variety of ways I can deal with this, ranging from moderate to extreme.
          First, I quit game-writing entirely - specifically the short fiction I like to churn out for my characters. I've tried that before, and failed miserably. The only way I'm going to choke off the character-fiction is by cutting out the games which inspire it. So, step one: quit gaming. Oh gods, I can't do that, can I? Okay, a compromise: drop out of Alex's D&D game and no new writing for Patricia in CAST or Janice in the PT game. That's not so bad, given that I haven't written anything for Janice in years, and I've been feeling 'written-out' for Patricia for a while. Furthermore, when Patricia gets herself killed/driven out of the CAST game, I'll quietly drop that game from my roster, too. Fortunately, the PT game doesn't happen often enough for it to suck up a lot of brain time.
          Second, I do that job for Dave - it's a happy medium between non-fiction and totally derivative fiction - kick as much ass as possible and beg for any other gigs I can get out of him. Given that I'm working dirt cheap, I don't think that's going to be a problem. Writing for other people - total strangers, not just buddies of mine who drop by the site - is the only way I'm going to hone my meager abilities.
          If I get the urge to write, work on short non-fiction pieces. Honestly, I enjoyed putting together the bits in my LARP Advice area of the site and I like to think that they've been useful for other people. Because I write those pieces with other people in mind, I've often put more thought into them than any of my fiction. I know it doesn't show in some of my earlier 'advice columns' so it seems that now is a good time to go back and polish them, with a mind to putting them in the ol' portfolio.
          I've been meaning to put a better polish on most of those LARP bits for a while, and follow up Great Idea! Now What? with a piece oriented towards more advanced GM issues - like how to pace a storyline, how to determine what plot elements are good, what are bad, etc. It's all very amorphous, but I think I'll revisit it in the next few days and see if I can't hash out a rough draft.
          Why the emphasis on non-fiction? For the moment, it appeals to me and allows me to dodge the fact that I don't have much imagination. Oh, I'm great at creating interesting characters, and I think I can write a mean bit of dialogue but when it comes to the gestalt of a story, I just don't have the ideas. More to the point, all the ideas I have are derivative - and clearly derivative at that. Now, I know that serious practice can get me past that but I'm in a chicken-and-egg situation with that at the moment. I can't improve the quality and content of my fiction without putting lots of word onto paper, and I don't want to put lots of words onto paper until I've got some better ideas. Sigh. So, for the moment, chatty advice and the occasional bit of paid-RPG work.
          And I think I'll check out Plotnk's Elements of Expression while I'm at it.
         
          A quote in Authorship made me think of my pal Chris, who is really being devoured by the Gotta Write Monster. "Everything is fodder... 'Stopping to smell the roses' has become the stock metaphor for noticing life as one passes through it. The nonwriter inhales the fragrance and says 'This is good. Thank you, life' The writer takes a whiff and agonizes 'Lousy metaphor. Used up. What the hell can I do with it? And why am I smelling roses when I should be writing?'." Me, I'm just a dilettante who is floundering around in light of a chance to be Taken Seriously, if only for a moment. Chris, however... I don't know if I'm every going to see that guy again...

Gaming Musings
          So, go figure, I haven't got much to say. I'll be taking a look at my LARP advice over the next few days, and doing more research for the Forbidden Kingdoms stuff, but that's about it. CAST game is on Sunday, but I'm not entirely sure how much of my attention is actually going to be on it...

***

          I got precisely half of my intended work done on my outline for FK. I'm at that point where I'm realizing that I need to do some more reading - about the Fascists in Italy and the Spanish Civil War, mostly - before I can continue. Drat. Maybe I will make some progress tonight, but I'm really tired today. Still, at least I know Alex will have the TV to keep him distracted while I hog the computer.

Gaming Musings
          CAST was on Sunday. It went alright. The whole gaming-thing is low on my priority list right now, so I don't have anything to say about it. I'm sure you're relieved. 

***

          Talking to Jennifer just now, and I said "Remember when this hobby used to be fun? When it wasn't an obligation" and she replied simply with "Yeah." Given that we were on IM, her actual tone was left to my imagination, and I decided it was wistful. After all, she's been dealing with gaming bullshit longer than I have.
          I began to think...Fine. Fuck it. Forget this 'easing up' routine. Take a total break, for however long it takes until I actually enjoy the hobby again. After all, I can still plot for Chuckling Cthulhu - that's an almost-solo activity - at most, it's shared with Alex, and if I can share germs with him, I can certainly share ideas. But as for the rest, forget it. No more showing up to games and having to deal with the "I don't want to RP with that guy because he's a homophobic asshole." and "What do you mean I can't run that plot to that player because she's decided I'm out to get her?" No more overgrown high-school-lunchroom-dynamic bullshit with a crowd that is, by and large, too fuckin' young for me anyways.
          I know who my friends are, I thought, I will see them outside of games at those, um, occasional parties we have. Oh gods, I'll have to start learning how to uphold my end of a conversation again, instead of just telling "One time, my character..." stories. I'll have to renew contact with people who actually have parties. I wonder if they're still speaking to me? I wonder if I have anything to say that isn't related to RPGs or the latest episode of Buffy?
          I know some of this is just temporary change-of-scene panic. I'm an intelligent person. I can't have accumulated 29 years of trivia for nothing. By rights, I should be the queen of small talk. But what if I'm not? Supposing I squeeze myself back into my club clothes and then remember I hate going to clubs? That's not really a worry, given that it would take a minor miracle of dieting or surgery to get me back into my club clothes, and I *do* still remember that I hate clubs. But the fundamental point is the same. If I cut gaming out of my life - even temporarily - am I going to turn into the crazy cat/sewing lady that I didn't plan to become until after retirement? Gack. Too tired and cranky to think straight. 

***

          It is extremely hard to type with a Tigger cat butting his head up underneath my chin and occasionally climbing onto the keyboard. I'll be blaming any typos and derailed thoughts on him.

          The England trip. Jury is still out. Black Duck says "Go!", rational Johanna says "There's no point to a family trip without the family, and you need a new dryer more than a vacation and if another chunk of the car's engine falls out and you've blown your money on air tickets, you'll be fucked." Believe me, as soon as I know how this is going to turn out, you will.

          I've finished reading On Writing Well and Elements of Authorship. Of the two, I have to recommend the former over the latter, although I thought they complemented each other well. After payday, I think I'm going to pick up Writing From Both Sides of The Brain and carve some time out of my oh-so-busy schedule to spend with some writing exercises and such. I've gotten lazy - my use of language has rusted shut - and I need to work on breaking some bad habits. I'm simultaneously looking forward to it, and dreading it mightily. Bad habits are always the toughest to break.
          I think niche non-fiction is the best way for me to go at the moment. I've got a few ideas for short articles - all aimed at the gaming crowd - that I'm going to kick around over the next few weeks and see if I can't bring them to fruition. I know of a couple - quite literally two - people I could pitch proposals towards, but that's better than none.
         Of course, I'm having the expected crises-of-confidence. I'm not creative enough. I'm not smart enough. I don't have anything interesting to say, etc. But I'm making a quote attributed to Proust my mantra. Everything has been said before but, since nobody listens, it all has to be said again every morning. Apparently, that's what keeps the publishing industry in business...     

Gaming Musings
         Because of low attendance and inadvertently throwing a major character for a much bigger loop than anticipated, the CAST game was rather dull. With Cohen's throne going vacant, we - MG, Alex and me - expected a spirited fight for the throne. But one possible candidate - Ryan's Jean-Michel - couldn't be there, and the other candidate - Aaron's Bone - was the one who was too seriously looped out to rush for the throne. Ah well. Whilst it would have been interesting for the game if Bone had become Prince, it would probably have resulted in major player-character deaths within a few weeks, and that would have upset someone. As it is, Christian is Prince again and Patricia is his seneschal. This alarms Patricia almost as much as it alarms the court.
         It's ironic, really. I have a so-so time at the CAST game, and now my character holds a senior court position. I've become prey to the same sense of obligation that Alex feels, so I think I'll be seeing CAST through to the bitter end - whenever that might be. Alex mentioned the possibility of the game becoming a tabletop event for a while, if the attendance remains anemic. I think that might be a good idea over the winter months, and then we could go on an aggressive recruiting binge in the spring - when we can return to the no-cost, outdoor location that is available to us.
         Do I really want to be part of a game through the spring? Not really. Will I? We'll see. I suspect that I will stay with the group. If nothing else, I wouldn't hardly see them, otherwise... 

September '01        Index        November '01